The Healing Process

So it's only been 4 months since I last posted... I'm making improvements! Lol But if you know me and my crazy life you know that a lot has happened in that short amount of time. Even though a lot has changed I'm ready for even bigger changes.
I am about to finish up my regular classes in the next month. Then I will finally be moving on with TOSS (pre-student teaching) and student teaching. I still have another year left, we're now looking at 5/2013 for graduation. Slow and steady wins the race! I'm so over college at this point, ready to move on to bigger and better things! I feel trapped and life I've outgrown college. Nothing is the same in Kennesaw anymore, I'm just over it. All my friends are getting married or getting jobs, life is even more different than it was 4 months ago. I'm hoping to move to Atlantic Station at the end of July. I think it'll be a good change for me and help me to move on with life. If I do make this move I will be living with my amazing cousin Tiffany. It'll be so nice to live with just a single girl again! Lol I'm just done with Kennesaw and I don't think I can make it there another year. Don't get me wrong though, I am thankful for that time in my life as much as I hated it at times. But I'm just ready to move on!!
In the past 4 months I have been through 2 break ups. One was a long time coming and I was so over in the end it wasn't very challenging. The other however was a little bit more of a surprise. Now I am not usually the girl to go from one relationship to the next. But in this situation I was certain God has brought this person to me and on His perfect timing. He used this person to show me how I was suppose to be treated and respected. I gained a whole new perspective of how a relationship works. It was challenging for me considering I had never dated a good and respectful guy before so I didn't even know how to handle it. But that is when I was able to see just how broken I was and how much healing I really needed. I have no doubt God brought him into my life and also took him out. I learned and still learning so much from that relationship that will be so helpful in the future. I now see how important it is for me to "get better" for myself so that someday i will be able to find a Godly man and be the best I can be to him. My heart for now is on the mends, it will take sometime to get over this. He was a wonderful guy and he treated me so well, I just wasn't emotionally in a place to be able to be in a relationship and it took this relationship for me to realize that.
I'm at a very interesting time in life right now. It's taken me a good 5 and a half years, 4 broken hearts, and 3 bad relationships to get to this point. I am finally working through a lot of stored up grief that I never dealt with when my mom passed away. Little did I know that would spill over into my relationships and other aspects of life. I am learning so much about myself, my life, my emotions, my family.... It's a big overwhelming. But this is a very important time in my life. I am recovering and healing from years of hurt and struggle. I'm taking a time out for me to get better and become the person God has meant for me to be. I have no doubt that God brought me to this point. I am learning how to let go of the control and allow God to control my life. It's not an easy process because of course I sometimes think that I might know best. But I'm learning how to let go of the life I might think I want in order to live the life God intended for me to life. I know in the end it'll be so worth it because God only wants the best for me. This process certainly hasn't been easy but it's only been a month and I can already see how much my life has changed. God is definitely at work and up to something great! Life is all about changes, you're constantly letting go and moving on. I am thankful to be going through this time at 24 and when I'm single. I think this will make a world of difference for my future. In the meantime I will be continuing on this journey putting my hope and trust in God and allowing Him to work in my life.

Life is always changing...

I have often thought about updating my blog but then I never do. So obviously a ton has changed in the last 9 months....
I'm finally a senior in college... only took 6 years lol. I'm hoping to graduate 12/12/12 which is my 25th birthday but I am trying not to think about it so I don't flip out because there's still a lot that has to happen between now and then.
I'm still living in Kennesaw but in a regular apartment now. I love my apartment!! I live with Cheryl and Quart, so I'm happy I still get to live with Cheryl. It's different living with a couple vs all girls. But I'm very happy for Cheryl, she's found an amazing guy and she deserves it!!
It's funny because I came to kennesaw kicking and screaming and now I find myself very sad that I only have about 8 months left before I move. I don't love Kennesaw the way I did Auburn but I have adjusted to living here and I will certainly miss it when I'm gone. Who would've thought I'd grow to like this place? lol I am so thankful for my time here and so thankful for how everything turned out. I met a few lifelong friends and I have a whole new perspective on life. I have no doubt my time in Kennesaw was suppose to be part of my journey.
Everything in life is constantly changing. It's rough getting older. No body tells you how much your 20's can suck. It's an amazing journey and I know the outcome will be so worth all the pain but dang the 20's are rough. It's full of changes, struggles, trying to find yourself, finding a balance, figuring out your life, adjusting to a career, watching your friends get married, wondering when you'll find your special person, friends having babies (I'm certainly no where near ready for kids!)... it's just a lot of life shaping experiences. I'm at the point now where I'm watching all my friends get married. I know I'm no where near ready to get married and I have a lot of single life left to live. But you can't help but wonder when your time will be. I miss girls nights, they seem to be so rare these days. Everyone is dating someone else and it's hard to have girl time. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for all of my friends getting married, I just miss girl time. I miss college nights.... study groups, late night food runs, adventures, spontaneous trips, meeting friends, having "parties" and game nights. It's funny cuz I miss my college days but yet I'm sill in college. I just miss the college experience. I feel like an adult trapped in college! Haha!
I have a very amazing life despite all the struggles. I'm so thankful for my family and friends. I wouldn't make it without them. The changes just make me sad but I know its apart of life. Life will always change....

Sooo much has changed...

Wow, so I haven't updated in a little over 2 months and SOOOOOOOOO much has happened since then.....
So I finished up the worst emotional semester ever! I was so thankful to be done and so proud of myself for making it through. I felt that I had come a long way and had established myself in Kennesaw somewhat.
Then I went home for Christmas break and totally relapsed!! I went into hardcore depression! But I got on some medication and I finally accepted the fact that I was depressed, it is going to hurt, I'm going to have to be sad for a little while, and that was OKAY! I think allowing myself to be "down" or feel "defeated" is really hard for me. But I did make it through the break. It was a very weird break... I didn't want to buy gifts, I didn't care about Christmas, I hardly saw anyone, I just spent a lot of time alone and trying to help myself get better.
Then I came back to Kennesaw and had a week off of school because of that crazy snow storm! Which ended up being the best thing for me because it allowed me to focus on school and start getting ready for the semester.
So then the semester started... I'm taking 18 hours and still recovering from depression. I think I've done fairly well so far! Things aren't completely back to normal... a few things from my past have come back and are causing difficulty. But with the help of my awesome friends, I am getting through. I have finally established myself in Kennesaw and I'm loving that! It only took me a 1 year and a half! haha! But I have made awesome friends here. Things are still constantly changing, life is still hard and confusing, emotions still get the best of me somedays... but I'm making it!S

"I'm okay, it'll be alright again"...

Well, it's true... time does heal all wounds. Everyone kept telling me that but it's hard to believe when you're struggling. I am doing much better, I think it certainly has to do with time, maybe even my bad memory lol, and also because of everyone who was there for me. It's hard to believe I am almost through this semester. Certainly the most emotional semester so far. It's also a little sad to think of how much time has gone by, its crazy how fast time flies. This has certainly been a process and still is, but it has gotten easier. I keep thinking I'll wake up one day and be done with it... but it doesn't work that way and I'm glad I'm getting to experience that. It takes baby step, it's not all or nothing the way I'd like for it to be. But you know what, I am thankful for this struggle. I have already learned so much and I can slowly see the good that is coming from it. This forced me out of my comfort zone which has forced me to do things I wouldn't usually do. That is helping me find myself and growing me as a person. Most of the time amazing things can come from stepping out of your comfort zone but you have to embrace it and be willing to let it take you where it needs too. Life is about changes and experiences... it makes us who we are. I still have my bad days, but I'm thankful for how far I've come so far. I know I still have hard days and more recovery ahead of me, but I'm looking forward to all the good that'll come from it. :)

Little Miss by Sugarland

"Little Miss done on love,
Little Miss I give up,
Little Miss I'll get tough, don't you worry 'bout me anymore

Little Miss checkered dress,
Little Miss one big mess,
Little Miss I'll take less when I always knew so much more

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again

I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Little Miss do your best,
Little Miss never rest,
Little Miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime it runs out

Little Miss you'll go far,
Little Miss hide your scars,
Little Miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again,
I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Hold on, hold on, you are loved, are loved

Little Miss brand new start,
Little Miss do your part,
Little Miss big ole heart beats wide open, she's ready now for love

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again
I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay,
It'll be alright again"

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."

So I got to go to Auburn last Thursday and Friday. It was really the first time I had been there since Beth and Claire lived there. I had been back a few times for a wedding and a couple football games but this is the first time in 6 months I was able to go and visit with people. It was SO great to see everyone. Just being in Auburn gives me this sense of peace and comfort. You can't understand that "Auburn" feeling though unless you've lived there. I call it the Auburn experience. It's so nice though that after all this time I can go back and I still get that same feeling. I mean I know it's different and I can feel that it's different but there's still the same "home" feeling I get when I'm there. It's even weird now to think I use to live there, that seemed like so long ago. But I will always have a special place in my heart for Auburn, I did a lot of growing there and have so many wonderful memories.
There are many many many reasons Auburn and Atlanta are different but 2 things I thought about this weekend....
1-In Auburn when you walk out and your car is gone you know it was towed. In Atlanta if you walk out and your car is gone you know it was stolen.
2- In Auburn the bar is full of classy people. In Atlanta finding classy people is like searching for Waldo.
I feel like I'm slowly getting back to my old self again. It has certainly been a process though and I'm not quiet there yet. Sometimes I feel like it's a one step forward 2 step back process. I do feel a little stuck though. I have many wonderful close friends but yet I still can't seem to find much comfort. I think it's suppose to be that way though, at least for now. I can't believe how much time has gone by though. I'm thankful it has but at the same time its a little discouraging that so much time has gone by and I'm still struggling a little bit. But this is a growth period for me so I need to just let it be and not be so caught up on time.
Despite the horribly rough semester a lot of good has come from it and there's been a lot of wonderful experiences. I got to watch the birth of a baby, I became a Godmother, Auburn is undefeated and hopefully going to the SEC championship, I met some new people, I tried new things I wouldn't usually try, I love my jobs and the people I work with, I am seeking God now more than ever and that is something I have so desperately needed to do for a while... just a lot of good has so far come out of the semester despite the bad.
I am looking forward to the holidays. I'm excited to be home, to be with family, to see friends, to work on all that holiday stuff I love to do... buy gifts, cook meals, wrap gifts, watch elf, bake goodies, send out the Christmas newsletter, exc. Also, I'm ready to end this year and start fresh next year. I'd hate to think my year was define by a negative situation that I've been dealing with for 8 months... but maybe I should just look at it as a big learning and growing experience and just look forward to what the next year will bring!
I'm going to end with a quote Claire shared with me a quote today that I really needed to see.... "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." -Theodore Roosevelt

Jeremiah 29:11

So I've apparently entered a new level.... you know how when you were growing up you would graduate from your current grade level and it would feel like such an accomplishment and you took time to celebrate? Then you start the next year and things are hard all over again... well apparently that's how life works. Except currently I have just started a new grade level.
When I went to Auburn I had a big period of down time where I had no one to turn to but God. I grew so much during the time and learned so much. I was so thankful for that period and the struggles because it got me to the next phase in life which is when I met Beth and Claire... my comfort.
Somewhere between then and now my relationship with God drifted... maybe because I had comfort, I was stable, life wasn't extremely challenging like it once was, I was content.
Then I lost that comfort... I moved from Auburn, we all moved away from Auburn. But I found new comfort, a temporary comfort, that was hard to let go of.
I feel that God has used my current situations to bring me back to Him, to teach me that He is all that I need.
I had a really good talk with one of my best friends the other day. She told me a story about a prayer she recently prayed and through that prayer God showed her that it's all about His timing. He even answered a prayer she had during our phone conversation which was proof enough that He is in control of our lives. This friend gave me the insight I so desperately needed. This pain and struggle I have been going through are far deeper than I had thought. This one thing has triggered a few issues that have been there but that weren't being dealt with.
My moms passing... 4 years later and I still sob at all I'm missing from not having a mom. I know that sounds so selfish because I know she's in a better place. But what I would give to just have a hug from my mom again, that comfort back that only a mother can provide.
Auburn, I have had that place on a pedestal for a while now. How could I not? That place brought me more happiness in 3 years then any other earthly thing has ever provided... but that happiness and those blessings all came from God. If I continue to keep Auburn on that pedestal and compare everything to it I will never be able to live in the here and now and be happy. I need to find happiness from where I am now in life and make the best out of this situation. Yes, I swore I'd never come back to Georgia and I threaten to leave all the time. But I am here for now and there is a reason for that so I need to trust God and be content with it.
I have a lot to work through, but I will get there. Life is about growing and changing and learning. This is just part of that process. Sometimes life is more challenging than others and this is just one of those times. But through prayer and my relationship I'm building back with God I will get through this.


"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

- Jeremiah 29:11

Oh life...

So I realized today I've only updated 3 times in the last year, thats really sad. But the saddest part of the whole thing is realizing that a year has gone by and I still feel very similar to how I did this time last year. I still hate Kennesaw, I'm still not exactly sure why I'm here, I still miss Auburn, and I still look forward to going home when I can because that's where I feel the best (well, aside from Auburn)... I'm not sure what to think of that?! I don't feel like I've wasted a year of my life because of how significant my summer was. Although it has caused a lot of hardship. I feel God has me going through all of this for a reason. I don't know why exactly I'm at Kennesaw, I might not ever know. But I do think I'm there for a reason. I also think I went through what I did this summer for a reason. It might stink right now but someday it'll all make sense. Even the things in life that are avoidable... there's a reason they happened the way they did. I'm definitely learning a lot right now, and some of it hurts. The only way through all this is to hurt. This week is the first time in a while I've felt somewhat back to normal, but that feeling didn't stick around as long as I would've liked. That's okay though, I will have that feel again. I'm just confused right now I guess. I'm suppose to be living it up and enjoying my life right now but instead of I'm hurting from past events and worrying about the future. I need to remember GOD IS IN CONTROL!!!!

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight Yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:3-4

"Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation." -Eat, Pray, Love''

"And this is my beautiful life
only thing certain is everything changes
The lows and the highs
And all those goodbyes
As hard as it gets I know it's still amazing
To be alive
It's a beautiful life"