Wow, it's been a while. I definatly should've written before now. I meant to write an update on the 2 year anniversary of my mom and just never got around too it.
There's been a lot going on. A lot of changes...isn't that what college is all about?!
Speaking of college, I don't really feel like I'm in college....or more that I don't feel like I have a college life anymore. I def feel like for the first time I'm actually concerned about my grades and doing well. I've been making good grades and studying like crazy. But thats just it, I'm so focused on school it's almost like I'm turning into a complete adult with no kid left in me. I live in a townhouse that looks like my moms living room (prob cuz its all her old stuff) and I work on keeping a clean house, cooking, and studying. Where has my college life gone? All that late night fun I use to have is limited to certain days of small afternoon/evening fun as long as there's no test coming up. I live weekend to weekeend almost cuz thats when Marshal comes in town on game weekends and thats when i feel like im in college. Although, the football games havent been priority this year like they use to be. Up til this weekend i haven't even really cared about the game and it was more of an annoyance to get through football SAt than fun. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Is this called growing up?....cuz it's not too exciting! Although there's plenty of adults that like football. I am starting to get excited about this weekend though, thankfully.... I was starting to worry. I just miss the late night college adventures, now I'm a boring adult focused on the future. I knew I'd get there someday but I feel like its too soon. There's got to be a happy medium of some sort...and perhaps there is, I just need to find it!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Better than expected...
Well this is definaly a long overdue post! So much has gone on!
Move in was rough. I had no idea how much was involved in moving into a nonfurnished apartment! I was running on no sleep and couldn't sleep til I got everything done and it was insane for at least 2 days straight. I was a walking zoombie trying to finish getting the apartment together and definatly not fun to be around. But I finally got things together and it's looking realllly nice now!
I went home once I moved in and Marshal came to visit then I went to see my grents for the day. So I've been back and forth and haven't completly settled back into feeling like I really live here permently. I'm still adjusting. I'm doing much much better than I thought and DEFINALTY better than last year.
I found out the day before classes started that I wasn't registered cuz my dad forgot to pay. I was bawling and spent allll day Monday taking care of it. My dad felt really bad and I felt bad that he felt bad. It ended up all working out for the best but it def wasnt the greatest start to my third year.
Classes are good and I think they'll be ok. Math is going to be SUPER tough so I'm going ot have to find a tutor.I wasn't excited about starting school at all.... I mean realllly realllly not excited. But I do feel better after I went to classes today.
Tonight was the first night of BCM. My heart is heavy after tonight. After last year's welcome week I was scared to face another one. Last year was rough and totally caught me off guard but I didn't have the right attitude and I didnt handle the week the right way. This year I sorta was ready for it....not excited but ready. It so far has turned out to be AMAZING! Like seriously I have loved meeting all the new people. I think the BCM is turning into something even bigger and more amazing that it already was. There's tons of people coming and staying and it has been an amazing start. I have reached out and met so many people and have loved doing it. If you know me you know I'm a social butterfly but I also like staying near whats familar so me meeting all these new faces and loving it is a big deal. God is doing AMAZING things at the BCM! After tongiht I was soo fired up. I was almost in tears during service because I was so overwhemed with what all God is doing!
I also met someone really awesome tonight. I know its kinda odd I'm singling out one person to write about but this person and I have a special bond. I met a girl who has lost her mom too. We're going to Snow Biz tomorow to talk and I can't wait to be able to talk to someone who truely understands. I have wanted that for so long. It's like I instantly have a connection with her because of what we've been through. No one can understand unless they've been through it.
So this year is shaping out to be amazing. I don't want to jump the gun completly cuz it's only the beginning and I'm still adjusting. But so far so good!!
Move in was rough. I had no idea how much was involved in moving into a nonfurnished apartment! I was running on no sleep and couldn't sleep til I got everything done and it was insane for at least 2 days straight. I was a walking zoombie trying to finish getting the apartment together and definatly not fun to be around. But I finally got things together and it's looking realllly nice now!
I went home once I moved in and Marshal came to visit then I went to see my grents for the day. So I've been back and forth and haven't completly settled back into feeling like I really live here permently. I'm still adjusting. I'm doing much much better than I thought and DEFINALTY better than last year.
I found out the day before classes started that I wasn't registered cuz my dad forgot to pay. I was bawling and spent allll day Monday taking care of it. My dad felt really bad and I felt bad that he felt bad. It ended up all working out for the best but it def wasnt the greatest start to my third year.
Classes are good and I think they'll be ok. Math is going to be SUPER tough so I'm going ot have to find a tutor.I wasn't excited about starting school at all.... I mean realllly realllly not excited. But I do feel better after I went to classes today.
Tonight was the first night of BCM. My heart is heavy after tonight. After last year's welcome week I was scared to face another one. Last year was rough and totally caught me off guard but I didn't have the right attitude and I didnt handle the week the right way. This year I sorta was ready for it....not excited but ready. It so far has turned out to be AMAZING! Like seriously I have loved meeting all the new people. I think the BCM is turning into something even bigger and more amazing that it already was. There's tons of people coming and staying and it has been an amazing start. I have reached out and met so many people and have loved doing it. If you know me you know I'm a social butterfly but I also like staying near whats familar so me meeting all these new faces and loving it is a big deal. God is doing AMAZING things at the BCM! After tongiht I was soo fired up. I was almost in tears during service because I was so overwhemed with what all God is doing!
I also met someone really awesome tonight. I know its kinda odd I'm singling out one person to write about but this person and I have a special bond. I met a girl who has lost her mom too. We're going to Snow Biz tomorow to talk and I can't wait to be able to talk to someone who truely understands. I have wanted that for so long. It's like I instantly have a connection with her because of what we've been through. No one can understand unless they've been through it.
So this year is shaping out to be amazing. I don't want to jump the gun completly cuz it's only the beginning and I'm still adjusting. But so far so good!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
One Week Away....
Ok to start I'm exhausted so there's no telling how all this will come out...
My last day was work was today. I wish I would've enjoyed it more I was just so tired. But it was a good day and I'm definatly going to miss hanging out with Joshus & Tucker! They are very sweet and well mannered kids and so much fun!! I'm sure it'll hit me more in a week or so when I haven't hung out with them. They're so cute they both made me cards and Tucker drew me a picture. And Kellie gave me some gift cards and a really sweet note! They're a wonderful family and I'm so glad I had the oppertunity to spend time with them this summer!
I move back in a week!!!! I am SOO EXCITED!! But as bad as this sounds I'm realllly hoping that things stay good when I get there. Usually when I am dreading something it turns out great and when I'm excited about something it turns out not so great. So I hope my excitment doesn't turn into disappointment! (Like it did last year when I moved back!!!) I had mixed feelings for a while but I think I'm passed that. There are still a couple things that might effect me later but for now I'm excited! That might be because I can't seem to "see" pasted moving in and the few couple weeks which will be setting up the apartment, seeing my grents, and some visits from Marshal. Once school and activites kick in that might change a bit. I'm still a little nervous about welcome week because of last years drama. And I'm interested to see how it's going ot play out without Marshal in Auburn. But liek I said right now I'm suuuper excited! I just can't wait to start living in Auburn again! I just hope I can adjust and handle all the changes well this year!
Well thats where I stand for now! It's crunch time and I have a week to get everything doen and packed up! This has been a pretty good summer. Nice, relaxing, and drama free. It was a bit boring but I think it was about time for some "boredom" in my life. I'm still not exactly sure what my reason for being home was. I have some ideas but not for sure yet. I might not ever know but thats ok. I'm glad I was here but now it's time to get back to my new home!!! :o)
My last day was work was today. I wish I would've enjoyed it more I was just so tired. But it was a good day and I'm definatly going to miss hanging out with Joshus & Tucker! They are very sweet and well mannered kids and so much fun!! I'm sure it'll hit me more in a week or so when I haven't hung out with them. They're so cute they both made me cards and Tucker drew me a picture. And Kellie gave me some gift cards and a really sweet note! They're a wonderful family and I'm so glad I had the oppertunity to spend time with them this summer!
I move back in a week!!!! I am SOO EXCITED!! But as bad as this sounds I'm realllly hoping that things stay good when I get there. Usually when I am dreading something it turns out great and when I'm excited about something it turns out not so great. So I hope my excitment doesn't turn into disappointment! (Like it did last year when I moved back!!!) I had mixed feelings for a while but I think I'm passed that. There are still a couple things that might effect me later but for now I'm excited! That might be because I can't seem to "see" pasted moving in and the few couple weeks which will be setting up the apartment, seeing my grents, and some visits from Marshal. Once school and activites kick in that might change a bit. I'm still a little nervous about welcome week because of last years drama. And I'm interested to see how it's going ot play out without Marshal in Auburn. But liek I said right now I'm suuuper excited! I just can't wait to start living in Auburn again! I just hope I can adjust and handle all the changes well this year!
Well thats where I stand for now! It's crunch time and I have a week to get everything doen and packed up! This has been a pretty good summer. Nice, relaxing, and drama free. It was a bit boring but I think it was about time for some "boredom" in my life. I'm still not exactly sure what my reason for being home was. I have some ideas but not for sure yet. I might not ever know but thats ok. I'm glad I was here but now it's time to get back to my new home!!! :o)
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Summer is basically over...
Well the summer is almost over!! This has been the longest and shortest summer ever! It feels like forever ago since I've left Auburn... but at the same time it's flown by! It's so weird that I'm bout to be living in Auburn again. I'm not so sure I'm ready to be back and face all the changes that will take place. I have grown content at home and it'll be a little bit of an adjustment leaving and trying to figure out what Auburn's going to have in store for me this year because I know it'll be very different from last year. Weather it's a good different or a no so good different only time will tell. But I have very mixed feelings about going back.
This has been a very uneventful summer! I use to think that something bad always had to happen to me and that life wouldn't just leave me alone... well it has this summer and its been pretty boring. There's been no drama no awkwardness...it's been weird! haha!
I'm still not exactly sure what my purpose for being home this summer was. I am sure time will tell. But I do know I was suppsoe to be here.
Part of me is ready to be back and part of me isnt. But ready or not it's going to happen! So all I can do is hope for maybe even a better year than last year. It'll be hard to top but I bet it's possible. Im a little skeptical though. When I was in high school I had a rough freshman year adjusting, then a great 10th grade year, then a HORRIBLE junior year because I started the year finding out my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I know that can't happen now...but it still worries me becuase all I've ever know was a bad junior year. I know that's sorta dumb to go by but when it's all I've known it's hard not to wonder.
Anyway, I've survived the summer. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Infact it was alot better. Some relationships have grown stronger, some drifted. But I was sooo worried bout the summer and what it held because I thought nothing could be better than the relationships I had last year. But I am happy to say my relationships are even better now than in Auburn and stronger! So hopefully only good things are too come!! :o)
This has been a very uneventful summer! I use to think that something bad always had to happen to me and that life wouldn't just leave me alone... well it has this summer and its been pretty boring. There's been no drama no awkwardness...it's been weird! haha!
I'm still not exactly sure what my purpose for being home this summer was. I am sure time will tell. But I do know I was suppsoe to be here.
Part of me is ready to be back and part of me isnt. But ready or not it's going to happen! So all I can do is hope for maybe even a better year than last year. It'll be hard to top but I bet it's possible. Im a little skeptical though. When I was in high school I had a rough freshman year adjusting, then a great 10th grade year, then a HORRIBLE junior year because I started the year finding out my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I know that can't happen now...but it still worries me becuase all I've ever know was a bad junior year. I know that's sorta dumb to go by but when it's all I've known it's hard not to wonder.
Anyway, I've survived the summer. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Infact it was alot better. Some relationships have grown stronger, some drifted. But I was sooo worried bout the summer and what it held because I thought nothing could be better than the relationships I had last year. But I am happy to say my relationships are even better now than in Auburn and stronger! So hopefully only good things are too come!! :o)
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
4 weeks til Auburn...
Ok this post has to be quick because I really need to get to bed! Basically everything is crazy and stressful now. I realized last weekend I have only 4 weeks left at home and a millions things to still get for my apartment. So I have everything mapped on the calendar now.
I don't feel like I accomplished all that I wanted to this summer. I feel like my goal was to "survive" and I have. But I dont think I've really grown or learned anything this summer. I haven't even seen or really catch up with anyone from home. I'm going ot wake up in a couple years without friends. I never answer my phone or return phone calls and I hate talking on the phone. I rather send a text or facebook message. Really Im not sure why anyone still bothers to keep up with me, I wouldn't by now.
I seriously just try to get from day to day and then my weekends are too packed to enjoy. I know there's a reason I am home this summer so maybe when it's all said and done I'll feel like I've accomplished more with my life.
Im moving my stuff into stroage in Auburn on Friday. I'm excited about being down there. BUT I do know moving completly out of my very first Auburn apartment (of 2 years) is going ot be tough. Im glad Im leaving there though. There were many good (and bad) memories there and it's been fun but Im ready for a more solid place with a more solid (and normal) roommate. Also, living there without my neighbor Marshal across the street would make it more obvious and harder that he's not there anymore.
I have very mixed feelings about moving back for my 3rd year. Im trying to get the feelings mostly positive. Its not like its that hard when you live in the most wonderful place ever. But there's a ton of changes that are about to take place and I'm not a big fan of change. This could very well be my last year in Auburn. A lot of that will be determind on how the year goes. Im sure it'll turn out to be a great year, just probably a rough beginning.
So thats basically all thats going on. I still have some "me" issues I need to work on and hopefully I';ll gain something from being at home this summer!
I don't feel like I accomplished all that I wanted to this summer. I feel like my goal was to "survive" and I have. But I dont think I've really grown or learned anything this summer. I haven't even seen or really catch up with anyone from home. I'm going ot wake up in a couple years without friends. I never answer my phone or return phone calls and I hate talking on the phone. I rather send a text or facebook message. Really Im not sure why anyone still bothers to keep up with me, I wouldn't by now.
I seriously just try to get from day to day and then my weekends are too packed to enjoy. I know there's a reason I am home this summer so maybe when it's all said and done I'll feel like I've accomplished more with my life.
Im moving my stuff into stroage in Auburn on Friday. I'm excited about being down there. BUT I do know moving completly out of my very first Auburn apartment (of 2 years) is going ot be tough. Im glad Im leaving there though. There were many good (and bad) memories there and it's been fun but Im ready for a more solid place with a more solid (and normal) roommate. Also, living there without my neighbor Marshal across the street would make it more obvious and harder that he's not there anymore.
I have very mixed feelings about moving back for my 3rd year. Im trying to get the feelings mostly positive. Its not like its that hard when you live in the most wonderful place ever. But there's a ton of changes that are about to take place and I'm not a big fan of change. This could very well be my last year in Auburn. A lot of that will be determind on how the year goes. Im sure it'll turn out to be a great year, just probably a rough beginning.
So thats basically all thats going on. I still have some "me" issues I need to work on and hopefully I';ll gain something from being at home this summer!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Uneventful Update...
I haven't updated in a while so I thought I would! Nothing really exciting is going on. Infact, I'm not a big fan of that question cuz my life is so uneventful this summer. Everyone is doing really cool things like camp and studying abroad and taking mission trips overseas and I'm at home... that's bout it! lol
We took a family vacation last week. It was nice, I got a lot of alone time. OH and there's a 7 ft shark going over our couch now in place of a Thomas Kincade picture. My brother caught one and they're getting a replica of it made, or something like that. So yea, now there's the coyote head, 2 deer heads, and a shark! What the heck?!?! My goal is to kill something with my car now! Plus I'm going to make name tags for all the animals.
I'm going to have a bridal shower for Andrea at the end of the summer and pretty sure the animals will need to go up for the day. Can you imagine having a bunch of ladies to the house for a nice elegant classy bridal shower and all these animal heads being everywhere?! lol
This week I'm not babysitting. This is week two now and next week I believe I'm only babysitting a couple of days. It's nice having a long break but I do miss the kiddos!!
Next week Dad & Will are going on a church trip so I'm basically spending the week visiting friends! I'm really excited about it!
The summer is almost over though!! It's kinda weird thinking about it. It seems like FOREVER ago that I moved home but at the same time I can't believe its been that long since I was back in Auburn. It's weird to think its half way over. I think I have finally adjusted and settled in to home. I'm afriad it will be a bit difficult adjusting back, esp with Marshal not down there cuz he was one of my closest friends. But I am still looking forward to it. If there's one thing that never changes about college it's how much everything does change from year to year. I'm afriad that even though I'm aware of how much it changes, I'm not going to be fully prepared for it or as open as I'd like to be. I still have a lot I need to work on before that time! (And a lot to buy! lol)
Well thats all for now! Like I said, things are very uneventful!!
We took a family vacation last week. It was nice, I got a lot of alone time. OH and there's a 7 ft shark going over our couch now in place of a Thomas Kincade picture. My brother caught one and they're getting a replica of it made, or something like that. So yea, now there's the coyote head, 2 deer heads, and a shark! What the heck?!?! My goal is to kill something with my car now! Plus I'm going to make name tags for all the animals.
I'm going to have a bridal shower for Andrea at the end of the summer and pretty sure the animals will need to go up for the day. Can you imagine having a bunch of ladies to the house for a nice elegant classy bridal shower and all these animal heads being everywhere?! lol
This week I'm not babysitting. This is week two now and next week I believe I'm only babysitting a couple of days. It's nice having a long break but I do miss the kiddos!!
Next week Dad & Will are going on a church trip so I'm basically spending the week visiting friends! I'm really excited about it!
The summer is almost over though!! It's kinda weird thinking about it. It seems like FOREVER ago that I moved home but at the same time I can't believe its been that long since I was back in Auburn. It's weird to think its half way over. I think I have finally adjusted and settled in to home. I'm afriad it will be a bit difficult adjusting back, esp with Marshal not down there cuz he was one of my closest friends. But I am still looking forward to it. If there's one thing that never changes about college it's how much everything does change from year to year. I'm afriad that even though I'm aware of how much it changes, I'm not going to be fully prepared for it or as open as I'd like to be. I still have a lot I need to work on before that time! (And a lot to buy! lol)
Well thats all for now! Like I said, things are very uneventful!!
Monday, June 9, 2008
Hard to let go....
I'm having a set back tonight. Every now and then this will happen where I start to have "flashbacks" of last year and realize that it's not going to be that way next year. It's not any secrete I have a hard time with change. In order for me to "function" I have to be settled weather I like the situation or not. But last year in Auburn was just sooo amazing that for once I was more than just settled, I was happy and had everything at my finger tips, so of course its going to be harder for me to readjust from that. I have been doing really well, probably cuz I haven't really thought much about it. It's mainly when I think of something for next year and realize certain people or certian situations won't be the same and its tough. I am a little scared to start school in the fall. I know how hard it was for me last year when I didn't even have a good previous year. I am excited bout a new year and being back, but at the same time I'm scared about how hard it might be on me. I'm trying to have a open mind but I think that being in Auburn and doing the same things differently might be hard at first. I think in a way all this is normal. I don't feel like it is because some people have moved for so fast and so easily that I feel like I'm behind. I guess for me I'm actually doing well. But I feel left behind in a way and like I'm not suppose to feel this way.
I know now I have "moved home" from my life that once was at home. So I know what it's like to move on. But see moving on for me means not caring and being "done" with it. And there's no way that I can be that way to my last year in Auburn yet. I'm no where close to that. But thats probably why it hurts me so much that some people have moved on so easily.
I wish that I didn't get so attached to things. It causes for some problems a lot of time. The problem is that I'm an all or nothing kind of person so I either really care or I really don't. I get so use to and so attached to certain situations and it takes me even longer before I can move on.
I know one day I'll be passed all this and it won't matter anymore. I know cuz I have managed to do that with home. Sometimes I feel like I should even care more than I do bout home lol. And I know someday there will be people that are in my present now that won't mean as much to me later. That happened with some home people too that I never thought would. Life does keep going, I just wish sometimes I could keep going with it. In situations like this where I'm not quiet ready to move on, hurts me! I know someday I will be fine, and I'll make new memories and new friends and I could even bet life could get better than it was last year. I know that life got a million times better than it was back in high school. So it could only keep getting better rright?
I know God has an exciting future planned for me. But it's hard for me not to get attached to the people and situations He gives me as I'm living out His plan for me. He really blessed me this year with AMAZING friends, and amazing group to be apart of, an amazing town to live in... it's hard to "let that go" and focus on what lies ahead.
"You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you."
"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go." -Author Unknown
"Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be."
"I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had." -The Wonder Years
"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess." - Corrie Ten Boom
I know now I have "moved home" from my life that once was at home. So I know what it's like to move on. But see moving on for me means not caring and being "done" with it. And there's no way that I can be that way to my last year in Auburn yet. I'm no where close to that. But thats probably why it hurts me so much that some people have moved on so easily.
I wish that I didn't get so attached to things. It causes for some problems a lot of time. The problem is that I'm an all or nothing kind of person so I either really care or I really don't. I get so use to and so attached to certain situations and it takes me even longer before I can move on.
I know one day I'll be passed all this and it won't matter anymore. I know cuz I have managed to do that with home. Sometimes I feel like I should even care more than I do bout home lol. And I know someday there will be people that are in my present now that won't mean as much to me later. That happened with some home people too that I never thought would. Life does keep going, I just wish sometimes I could keep going with it. In situations like this where I'm not quiet ready to move on, hurts me! I know someday I will be fine, and I'll make new memories and new friends and I could even bet life could get better than it was last year. I know that life got a million times better than it was back in high school. So it could only keep getting better rright?
I know God has an exciting future planned for me. But it's hard for me not to get attached to the people and situations He gives me as I'm living out His plan for me. He really blessed me this year with AMAZING friends, and amazing group to be apart of, an amazing town to live in... it's hard to "let that go" and focus on what lies ahead.
"You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you."
"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go." -Author Unknown
"Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be."
"I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had." -The Wonder Years
"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess." - Corrie Ten Boom
Good things to come...
Things are starting to get better. I had that one really stressful day of work last week that sorta set the week off a bit. It was a long week, but I got through and have rested up some so now I feel better.
Marshal came to visit Friday and we went to Cindy's for dinner and games. Then on Saturday Beth came over and we went to see Sex and the City movie....love it!! Then Jill and Courtney joined us for dinner and the Laser show! It was sooo fun of course and soo nice to be able to spend time with the girls!!
Now starts another busy week. My hours Mon-Wed are a little longer was normal because of VBS but so far it has been great becuase I'm getting to do different things that are keeping be busy. I have to take Josh to camp each day, then we're at Mrs. Amanda's house (that I discovered has internet!!) and then VBS tonight so it's been good so far. Then Thurs is a normal day and Friday is a half day!!
The good news is that once this week is over 3 great things will take place!! 1st- I have at least a week off and basically about 2 weeks off. 2nd- Marshal moves into his new apartment!!!, & 3rd- I get a vacation!!!!!
I'm ready for a week or 2 off to regroup, get stuff done, and just basically relax!!
I'm excited Marshals moving into his own place!! It'll give me somewhere to escape too when I need too. Although, I had sorta gotten use to him being at home, where it didn't matter much anymore. But going from having your own place in Auburn to being at home with the family was probably more of an adjustment for me than him lol. Now it'll be nice to have a friend with their own place!
THEN my family vacation I think it going to turn out great!!! I found out yesterday we're going to Jupiter, Fl which is 9 hours away. That's a little further than I would've picked, but the good news is it's close enough to my aunt and uncle to be able to see them. I usually go to their house each summer and this year I wasnt going to get too...but not I can!! Also... I GET MY OWN ROOM!!! AHHHH!!! My dad booked 2 rooms at this really nice hotel with a pool and a water view!! It's almost like my own private vacation! I will get to spend a lot of time by myself as well as with the family! So it's like the best of both worlds! Obviously my first pick would be to bring a friend so we can share in the fun together, but I think its important that my family take our first vacation (as the 3 of us) with only us! I think it'll be nice to be alone for a little bit, I miss being left alone in Auburn when I need to be at my apartment. So it'll be good!! I'm going to spend the time relaxing and my dad is even letting me spend half the day at a spa!! How great is that?!?! So I'm looking forward to it, it'll be a nice vacation!!
Oh my dad's real dad passsed away yesterday. There's a lot of mixed emotions that take place with that. Above all I just wish I would've maybe taken the time to get to know him. I never thought twice about it cuz I didn't grow up really considering him my grandpa. I don't even know him really, and I wish that I had gotten to know him better. At the same time though, it bothers me that he never kept up with my dad growing up or ever was a real father to him. My dad had to look him up when my dad was 23 years old. Im sure Ermel was a good person, he just made some mistakes in his life, as we all do. He did manage to married 3 great women though; My grandmother, Mary (who passed away in 2003), and then his latest wife Joyce. I'm thankful in a weird way that he didnt take care of my dad because my dad is the amazing dad he is today learning from the mistake that Ermel made. But I'm sad that I never got to know someone who probably was a great person, and who most importantly was related very closely by blood.
Well I better run! Hopefully this week will continue to go smoothly! It's nice to have things to look forward too, but me and my negative thinking makes me think it's almost too good to be true!! lol
P.S. We're almost half way through the summer!!! It's hard to believe!!!
Marshal came to visit Friday and we went to Cindy's for dinner and games. Then on Saturday Beth came over and we went to see Sex and the City movie....love it!! Then Jill and Courtney joined us for dinner and the Laser show! It was sooo fun of course and soo nice to be able to spend time with the girls!!
Now starts another busy week. My hours Mon-Wed are a little longer was normal because of VBS but so far it has been great becuase I'm getting to do different things that are keeping be busy. I have to take Josh to camp each day, then we're at Mrs. Amanda's house (that I discovered has internet!!) and then VBS tonight so it's been good so far. Then Thurs is a normal day and Friday is a half day!!
The good news is that once this week is over 3 great things will take place!! 1st- I have at least a week off and basically about 2 weeks off. 2nd- Marshal moves into his new apartment!!!, & 3rd- I get a vacation!!!!!
I'm ready for a week or 2 off to regroup, get stuff done, and just basically relax!!
I'm excited Marshals moving into his own place!! It'll give me somewhere to escape too when I need too. Although, I had sorta gotten use to him being at home, where it didn't matter much anymore. But going from having your own place in Auburn to being at home with the family was probably more of an adjustment for me than him lol. Now it'll be nice to have a friend with their own place!
THEN my family vacation I think it going to turn out great!!! I found out yesterday we're going to Jupiter, Fl which is 9 hours away. That's a little further than I would've picked, but the good news is it's close enough to my aunt and uncle to be able to see them. I usually go to their house each summer and this year I wasnt going to get too...but not I can!! Also... I GET MY OWN ROOM!!! AHHHH!!! My dad booked 2 rooms at this really nice hotel with a pool and a water view!! It's almost like my own private vacation! I will get to spend a lot of time by myself as well as with the family! So it's like the best of both worlds! Obviously my first pick would be to bring a friend so we can share in the fun together, but I think its important that my family take our first vacation (as the 3 of us) with only us! I think it'll be nice to be alone for a little bit, I miss being left alone in Auburn when I need to be at my apartment. So it'll be good!! I'm going to spend the time relaxing and my dad is even letting me spend half the day at a spa!! How great is that?!?! So I'm looking forward to it, it'll be a nice vacation!!
Oh my dad's real dad passsed away yesterday. There's a lot of mixed emotions that take place with that. Above all I just wish I would've maybe taken the time to get to know him. I never thought twice about it cuz I didn't grow up really considering him my grandpa. I don't even know him really, and I wish that I had gotten to know him better. At the same time though, it bothers me that he never kept up with my dad growing up or ever was a real father to him. My dad had to look him up when my dad was 23 years old. Im sure Ermel was a good person, he just made some mistakes in his life, as we all do. He did manage to married 3 great women though; My grandmother, Mary (who passed away in 2003), and then his latest wife Joyce. I'm thankful in a weird way that he didnt take care of my dad because my dad is the amazing dad he is today learning from the mistake that Ermel made. But I'm sad that I never got to know someone who probably was a great person, and who most importantly was related very closely by blood.
Well I better run! Hopefully this week will continue to go smoothly! It's nice to have things to look forward too, but me and my negative thinking makes me think it's almost too good to be true!! lol
P.S. We're almost half way through the summer!!! It's hard to believe!!!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Getting rough....
Sooo I'm going to try to type as much as I can before I pass out!
I am NOT in a very good mood so try not to take anything personal! lol I am exhuasted and I'm tired of not having time to do anything! I have a list of things to do and no time to get anything done. I stay tired and I am just overwhelmed. My break will be my family vacation and then hopefully the week after that! Don't get me wrong, I do like my job, but it just wears me out.
I was watching Ice Age yesterday and a song came on that was on the end of the year BCM video and it made me really sad!! It was like a flash back of being back in Auburn with everyone. I know I soon will be back in my happy place, minus a close friend...which is the hard part! But that was the first time in a couple weeks I have "thought back" to last year.
Random, but I found out ON FACEBOOK that my real grandfather wasn't doing well. Long story short he never had a big part in my dads life and def not ares so we're not close. But I found out through a girl whos dating one of my grandfathers step grandchildren or something. Anyway, turns out he doesnt have long to life. I'm not trying to be insensitive...it's just a touchy subject. There's a lot of mix feelings that play in. I have a lot of questions that will never get answers, not that I would've had the nerve to ask him anyway. I kinda wish I would've gotten to know him better. Afterall he IS my dad's REAL dad. Its just a weird situation and I can't really feel exactly how I feel about it.
Things right now are a bit rough. Mainly cuz Im exhuasted and worn out and don't really have any ME time. There's a lot going emotionally as well. I think a lot is about to change and no matter how hard I try to control it, it's still going to change. I think it's something I've know for a while but try to ignore and like I said, control. But I can just tell there's not going to be much longer where that is still the case. It's upsetting but I'll be ok. It's probably better this way, but it'll still be tough to transittion through. I also could be paranoid but I just feel like I've held onto this for far too long and now it's time for it to leave like its suppose to. Maybe one day I'll learn....
I am NOT in a very good mood so try not to take anything personal! lol I am exhuasted and I'm tired of not having time to do anything! I have a list of things to do and no time to get anything done. I stay tired and I am just overwhelmed. My break will be my family vacation and then hopefully the week after that! Don't get me wrong, I do like my job, but it just wears me out.
I was watching Ice Age yesterday and a song came on that was on the end of the year BCM video and it made me really sad!! It was like a flash back of being back in Auburn with everyone. I know I soon will be back in my happy place, minus a close friend...which is the hard part! But that was the first time in a couple weeks I have "thought back" to last year.
Random, but I found out ON FACEBOOK that my real grandfather wasn't doing well. Long story short he never had a big part in my dads life and def not ares so we're not close. But I found out through a girl whos dating one of my grandfathers step grandchildren or something. Anyway, turns out he doesnt have long to life. I'm not trying to be insensitive...it's just a touchy subject. There's a lot of mix feelings that play in. I have a lot of questions that will never get answers, not that I would've had the nerve to ask him anyway. I kinda wish I would've gotten to know him better. Afterall he IS my dad's REAL dad. Its just a weird situation and I can't really feel exactly how I feel about it.
Things right now are a bit rough. Mainly cuz Im exhuasted and worn out and don't really have any ME time. There's a lot going emotionally as well. I think a lot is about to change and no matter how hard I try to control it, it's still going to change. I think it's something I've know for a while but try to ignore and like I said, control. But I can just tell there's not going to be much longer where that is still the case. It's upsetting but I'll be ok. It's probably better this way, but it'll still be tough to transittion through. I also could be paranoid but I just feel like I've held onto this for far too long and now it's time for it to leave like its suppose to. Maybe one day I'll learn....
Sunday, June 1, 2008
This is for you, Nurse Beth!!! :o)
Today was a big day for someone very close to me. I've had a lot of my heart lately I've wanted to say to her but I thought I'd wait for this special occasion. I'd like for everyone to know about this special person, not just because she's one of my closest friends, but also because of how proud I am of her. Beth P. Nuckolls has been one of my biggest inspirations this year. She had a tough year. But no matter how rough things got for her, she never lost focus of the ones she cares bout most. It didn't matter how bad she was hurting, she cared more about the people around her and making sure they were ok.Never have I met someone more determined, dedicated, compassionate, or selfless than Beth. School was really rough for her this year, but she was determind to make good grades and meet her goals. She never gave up even when times got really rough. There were weeks I didn't even get to talk to her because she was sooo focused and soo determined to do well on her test. She never stopped fighting for what she wanted! During finals she was locked away, literally! I am just so impressed by her commitment and focus on reaching her goals. Beth worked SO HARD this year and it really paid off! Today she found out she made it into NURSING SCHOOL!!!! I have never been so happy for someone in my life!!! I knew she would get in, but she had her doubts. Her hard work and determination paid off! I can't think of anyone who deserves this day more than Beth!!! She will someday be an amazing, compassionate, hard working nurse, (instead of a student) I found a song today that made me think of her! I wanted to dedicate this song to her and let her know how proud I am of her and how much she inspires me! I LOVE YOU BETH P. NUCKOLLS!!!!!
Time Of My Life – David Cook
I’ve been waiting for my dreams
To turn into something
I could believe in and
Looking for that magic rainbow
On the horizon
I couldn’t see it
Until I let go
Gave in to love
Watched all the bitterness burn
Now I'm coming alive
Body and soul
Feelin’ my world start to turn
And I'll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time
This is the time to be
More than a name or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life…
Holdin’ onto things that
Vanished into the air
Left me in pieces but
Now I'm rising from the ashes
Findin’ my wings and all that I needed
Was there all along
Within my reachas
Close as the beat of my heart
And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time
This is the time to be
More than a name or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life…
Now I’m out on the edge of forever
Ready to run
Keepin’ my feet on the ground
My arms open wide
Facing the sun
And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time
This is the time to be
More than a name or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life…
More than a name or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life…
This is the time of my life…
Time of my life…
Time Of My Life – David Cook
I’ve been waiting for my dreams
To turn into something
I could believe in and
Looking for that magic rainbow
On the horizon
I couldn’t see it
Until I let go
Gave in to love
Watched all the bitterness burn
Now I'm coming alive
Body and soul
Feelin’ my world start to turn
And I'll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time
This is the time to be
More than a name or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life…
Holdin’ onto things that
Vanished into the air
Left me in pieces but
Now I'm rising from the ashes
Findin’ my wings and all that I needed
Was there all along
Within my reachas
Close as the beat of my heart
And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time
This is the time to be
More than a name or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life…
Now I’m out on the edge of forever
Ready to run
Keepin’ my feet on the ground
My arms open wide
Facing the sun
And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time
This is the time to be
More than a name or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life…
More than a name or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life…
This is the time of my life…
Time of my life…
There's a reason for this....
I probably need to get better with writing in here! There's not really much time though. I typically go to work, the gym, come home and shower and by that time it's like 7pm.
Things are going well at home though. I think I've gotten use to it by now. I decided that I'm one of those people who might not necessarily be "happy" or like where I am but in order for me to function I have to settle in. I can't just sorta be there, I'm an all or nothing person so even if it's not where I want to be I have to settle in anyway.
I have had a great first week of work and I love my job. Friday I just had a sense of peace about the summer. Home isn't my favorite place to be but I know there's a reason for me to be here this summer. And I think its going to help better me as a person being here. So I am excited about what is instore for me this summer! The summer is already 1/4 of the way over though, kinda hard to believe. There's no real big obstacles I can see in the near future so it should be, or hopefully be a good next couple months. Or as good as it can be!
I've done farily well adjusting I think. I sorta forgot what it was like in Auburn. I think it's better that way so I can move on with life now and not dwell on how much better it use to be. I will be ok here!
I have a busy busy next couple weeks. I work from June 2-12. Then Marshal moves in the 14th. Then my family will be on vacation the 16-19! THEN I think I will get somewhat of a "break!"
Hopefully though, things will continue to get better!!
Things are going well at home though. I think I've gotten use to it by now. I decided that I'm one of those people who might not necessarily be "happy" or like where I am but in order for me to function I have to settle in. I can't just sorta be there, I'm an all or nothing person so even if it's not where I want to be I have to settle in anyway.
I have had a great first week of work and I love my job. Friday I just had a sense of peace about the summer. Home isn't my favorite place to be but I know there's a reason for me to be here this summer. And I think its going to help better me as a person being here. So I am excited about what is instore for me this summer! The summer is already 1/4 of the way over though, kinda hard to believe. There's no real big obstacles I can see in the near future so it should be, or hopefully be a good next couple months. Or as good as it can be!
I've done farily well adjusting I think. I sorta forgot what it was like in Auburn. I think it's better that way so I can move on with life now and not dwell on how much better it use to be. I will be ok here!
I have a busy busy next couple weeks. I work from June 2-12. Then Marshal moves in the 14th. Then my family will be on vacation the 16-19! THEN I think I will get somewhat of a "break!"
Hopefully though, things will continue to get better!!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I love my job!!
So I started my job today! And I'm pretty sure I'm going to LOVE IT! Joshua and Tucker are sooo sweet, cute, and so much fun!!! And they're so well-behaved! I had a blast today and it didn't even feel like 7 hours. I am so glad I found such a great job!!
Marshal started his job today. I was more nervous than he was! haha! I'm waiting to here how his job is. But it was weird not really texting really anyone today!
When I got home from my job I went to the gym for about 45/50 mins. Days like today are going to wear me out! lol And really there aren't any days I just got home after work, I'm always going to be going somewhere.
But for the rest of the night I'm sitting in my happy spot and getting stuff done and watching TV!! I'm babysitting 4 kids tomorrow!! Yeeea! lol
Marshal started his job today. I was more nervous than he was! haha! I'm waiting to here how his job is. But it was weird not really texting really anyone today!
When I got home from my job I went to the gym for about 45/50 mins. Days like today are going to wear me out! lol And really there aren't any days I just got home after work, I'm always going to be going somewhere.
But for the rest of the night I'm sitting in my happy spot and getting stuff done and watching TV!! I'm babysitting 4 kids tomorrow!! Yeeea! lol
Monday, May 19, 2008
Reflection of one of the best years of my life....
Well I thought it was about time to post my "end of the year" note. I've been home for a couple weeks, I haven't really done much of anything. But I have been doing a lot of thinking. This has been the lowest I've been in a while, which makes sense trying to adjust after one of the best years I've ever had.
There's so many things I want to say about this year, honestly I'm not sure where to even begin. I feel like the beginning of the year was forever ago, but at the same time the year FLEW by. I remember telling Beth 2 weeks in that I couldn't believe it had only been 2 weeks and I was never going to survive the year! lol
Starting school this year was difficult for me. I never really got involved my freshman year. I spent all my time going home because there's where I felt the most comfortable and after my mom passed away I wanted to stick close to my family. I met a bunch of amazing people at the end of my freshman year and I built friendships with them over the summer. But even though I had some pretty great friends, it was hard for me to leave home and really go about the "college experience." I missed home a ton at the beginning and I had a fear of feeling alone in Auburn like I did my entire freshman year. I think what really helped me start the year was the first Sunday I attended FBCO. Trace's lesson was on giving something a 2nd chance. He even specifically said at one point "maybe you need to give Auburn a 2nd chance" I took that to heart and decided that's what I was going to do.
It still wasn't too easy for me. Everything was changing from what I was use too and I was unaware at how different everything is in college from year to year. Change has never been something that has come easy for me. Plus I wanted to be at home and I was dealing with the one year anniversary of my mom's passing coming up. I could remember so clearly everything that went on with my mom the year before and it didn't feel like a year had already gone by. I had arranged for a close friend to take me home on the anniversary of my mom. I thought there was no place I'd want to be more than at home. Boy was I ever wrong! For the first time in my life home was the last place I wanted to be. It was way too painful for me to go back, especially on that particular day. It was that day that I realized I had moved on from home. Home was no longer that warm cozy little place that I longed to be. Home had turned into a painful memory.
The rest of first semester defiantly wasn't easy. I continue to struggle with the change that was taking place around me. I still had problems accepting that no matter how hard I tried, the new change wasn't going away! I think by mid October it was starting to grow on me. I think the biggest blessing of the first semester was meeting Jill Clair. I didn't think that at first though, she was a threat to me, but once I realized how wrong I was, we become really good friends, even future roommates. Funny how God puts people in your life for a reason and sometimes you don't realize that til later. But she has defiantly been a blessing in my life and actually someone who helped me through the rest of the year.
The biggest memory of first semester was defiantly football season. I can't say I miss waiting 2 hours for the gates to open and another 2 for the football game to start every Saturday. But I do miss watching those amazing Auburn football games surrounded by your best friends. This year was even more special getting to watch one of my close childhood friends cheer at the football games. Then there was the BCM flag football games that brought us much joy and entertainment for a little while. Our countless girl nights that always brought tons of laughter. Late night drives through downtown blasting Disney music after a tough day was therapy. The late night Waffle house and Walmart runs. The late night phone calls analyzing life and humoring ourselves at the way we acted during the rough times.
Overall though, first semester was incredible. I struggled some, but I grew from that. For the first time in a really long time I was genuinely happy and content with where I was in life. I was even forming a "family" and a "home". At the end of first semester I realized that "family life" I had been praying for since my mom passed had actually happened, just not in the way I had thought it would.
Second semester probably came a bit easier. There wasn't as many adjustments. The only struggle I really had was guarding myself for what was to come in May when Marshal graduated and we all left for the summer. I was scared of the pain I would feel from that time so I pulled away a bit. But after much praying and thinking I realized I was going to make the best of this last semester and deal with the pain when it came later.
The BCM retreat really helped me start the semester off right. I struggled at first because I sorta felt alone. But after a text from my dad saying "remember there is a reason for you to be there, people you're suppose to meet" made me realize I was there for a reason and later realized how much that trip really helped me to get to know other people and be OK away from my comfort zone. Disciple Now was a very special event for me and turned out to be an INCREDIBLE weekend. I had grown up doing D' Nows at my church since I was like 5. And this was my Dad's last D'Now as the youth minister at the church I grew up at. And it meant so much to me to have some of my Auburn family come home with me to be apart of something that was so special to me. And it turned into a truly amazing weekend! Spring Break turned out to be a lot of fun! I got to spend part of the week visiting a really good childhood friend and with one of my closest Auburn friends. Then once Spring Break was over I knew I only had about one month left to enjoy as much as I could before everything changed again.
I am a planner so of course after Spring Break I started bracing myself for what was to come. I made a list of things to do before that time was up and enjoyed every minute of it. It's funny how you find joy in the small things. One of my favorite things to do was go to Walmart and look at the discount rack! I also discovered walks around campus (without the cock roaches) to be an amazing experience! Snow Biz trips became almost nightly. Decorating cars was almost a hobby. Talking til 5 am on the phone didn't make waking up the next day very fun. Akon concerts were pretty intense and amazing! I loved surprising (or embarrassing) friends with gifts for fun!! Facebook stalking was a big part of life (don't judge me, you know you do it too!!). BCM was home and something I looked forward to... especially Wednesday lunches. Learned how to drive a manual and also learned stalling out in the middle of college street is not a pleasant experience! I went to see like every good movie out. I became dependant on watching Grey's & the Office on Thursdays. I sorta learned how to play golf, but realized I loved it! I went to Chewalka... even though I couldn't talk myself into gettting in the water. I discovered all too late a PERFECT picnic spot on Samford lawn at sunset. I think I probably did more in the last month than I did all year!
As the end approached things became tougher, but I tried so hard to ignore the fact that it was the end. But all good things must come to an end. I stayed in Auburn a week after I was done with finals. I got to say goodbye too most but I knew I would still have them in Auburn next year. I was focused on Marshal's graduation because he was the close friend that isn't returning next year. Graduation day went well, I didn't think much into it that day because I was on the verge of tears enough as it was. I tried so hard to keep everything inside as I tried my best to enjoy the day even though I knew what was coming.
The day I left Auburn just happened to be Mother's day. Marshal wanted to make sure we made it to church for his last Sunday. I tried so hard to get ready in time but one bad things after another kept happening and we ended up being too late. I was upset I caused him to miss church but he assured me it was OK. To kill time before lunch we ended up going to Starbucks randomly. Later in the day I realized we did that in honor of my mom. I had decided last year on Mothers day I was going to celebrate my mom by either going to get my nails done or going to Starbucks. (two of my moms favorite things to do) Well without realizing it and not paying too much attention to the day, we randomly ended up at Starbucks. After lunch on the way home we saw two police cars blocking the road. When we looked to see what was going on we realized they had blocked the road so a turtle could cross! hahahaha! I was thinking...on that note, it's prob time to leave Alabama. lol We loaded up both cars, I cried, and then I headed home.
I did get to go back 2 days later to visit friends!! It felt like I had been gone for at least a month and I was in tears as I drove through town back to my apartment. It just felt so right and like I was still there. And having to realize I wasn't down there anymore and things weren't the same was difficult!
It took a while to sink in that I was gone and officially home for the summer. I wouldn't unpack for 2 days knowing if I did I'd have to stay! lol That first week was a tough week for me. I went from being in what I considered home with my Auburn family to moving to my actual home that is more of a bad memory now where there's not many friends or family left. My emotions were high and I wasn't being myself. I sat in what I call my "happy spot" which is the same spot on my bed everyday trying to stay connected with my "other life" through facebook. I didn't really feel like going anywhere or doing much. Change is just so hard for me. I hold on so tightly to what I have and get so comfortable. I know that I will grow from this eventually and that it's going to end up being a good thing for me. But for now I am trying hard to just get through.
This year I have met some of the most amazing people. I am so blessed to have such incredible friends in my life. Friends that I didn't even know existed! Friends that have turned into family! I seriously dunno what I would do or what I ever did do without them in my life. They've had more of an impact on my life in the last year than most do in a life time. I am just so grateful God blessed me with such loving, good-hearted, inspirational people. I want to thank each of you so much for your friendship! You have made my life such a joy and have encouraged me to be a better person. You loved and supported me through everything and were always there no matter what. You genuinely cared about me and love me for exactly who I was, no matter how awkward I could be at times! haha! You could make a boring day more fun that I ever thought possible. You kept me laughing and entertained constantly. You gave me encouragement to keep going when I felt like giving up. Never did I think it was possible to meet another group of people that was as loving and caring and supportive as my church family back home, but I have. The BCM has turned into home and the people there have turned into family. And I dunno what I'd do without them. I am just so thankful to be apart of something that is so amazing!
This last year was incredible. If it wasn't the best year of my life, it was DEF in the top 5! Honestly, I don't recall a better year. Never have I not wanted school to end or summer to speed up. I didn't even know friends like mine existed. I am just so thankful for all the God has put in my life. If I would've know what the future held at high school graduation I never would've feared what was to come. There's a lot I've learned from being off at school. I've just grown and matured, and I'm not that same girl anymore. I hardly even remember the girl I was in high school. And I think the people at home sometimes have a hard time seeing that. The past was difficult for me and it's hard for me to "come back" to it which I feel like I do when I'm home. But no matter how painful it might be for me to be here, I know this is the place I came from. The place that helped make me into the person I am today and helped get me to where I am now. And because of that I will always hold home and the people here dear to my heart no matter how hard it might be to come back.
It's been about 2 weeks now. I think I'm making improvements. I'm trying so hard to move on as fast as I can and not focus on the past, but the future. I've made a few good summer memories but it's hard when your closest friends are so far away. A good friend reminded me about a week ago that location doesn't make or break a friendship and there's still good memories to be made, just in a different place. She was def right! It's going to be a bit tough adjusting, but I know the future has some great things in store for me. I feared the unknown once before when I graduated high school and look where it got me! So I know there's only more great memories to come! I want to end with my favorite quote about change...
"You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you."
This has been a wonderful year and I am excited about what the future holds!!!
There's so many things I want to say about this year, honestly I'm not sure where to even begin. I feel like the beginning of the year was forever ago, but at the same time the year FLEW by. I remember telling Beth 2 weeks in that I couldn't believe it had only been 2 weeks and I was never going to survive the year! lol
Starting school this year was difficult for me. I never really got involved my freshman year. I spent all my time going home because there's where I felt the most comfortable and after my mom passed away I wanted to stick close to my family. I met a bunch of amazing people at the end of my freshman year and I built friendships with them over the summer. But even though I had some pretty great friends, it was hard for me to leave home and really go about the "college experience." I missed home a ton at the beginning and I had a fear of feeling alone in Auburn like I did my entire freshman year. I think what really helped me start the year was the first Sunday I attended FBCO. Trace's lesson was on giving something a 2nd chance. He even specifically said at one point "maybe you need to give Auburn a 2nd chance" I took that to heart and decided that's what I was going to do.
It still wasn't too easy for me. Everything was changing from what I was use too and I was unaware at how different everything is in college from year to year. Change has never been something that has come easy for me. Plus I wanted to be at home and I was dealing with the one year anniversary of my mom's passing coming up. I could remember so clearly everything that went on with my mom the year before and it didn't feel like a year had already gone by. I had arranged for a close friend to take me home on the anniversary of my mom. I thought there was no place I'd want to be more than at home. Boy was I ever wrong! For the first time in my life home was the last place I wanted to be. It was way too painful for me to go back, especially on that particular day. It was that day that I realized I had moved on from home. Home was no longer that warm cozy little place that I longed to be. Home had turned into a painful memory.
The rest of first semester defiantly wasn't easy. I continue to struggle with the change that was taking place around me. I still had problems accepting that no matter how hard I tried, the new change wasn't going away! I think by mid October it was starting to grow on me. I think the biggest blessing of the first semester was meeting Jill Clair. I didn't think that at first though, she was a threat to me, but once I realized how wrong I was, we become really good friends, even future roommates. Funny how God puts people in your life for a reason and sometimes you don't realize that til later. But she has defiantly been a blessing in my life and actually someone who helped me through the rest of the year.
The biggest memory of first semester was defiantly football season. I can't say I miss waiting 2 hours for the gates to open and another 2 for the football game to start every Saturday. But I do miss watching those amazing Auburn football games surrounded by your best friends. This year was even more special getting to watch one of my close childhood friends cheer at the football games. Then there was the BCM flag football games that brought us much joy and entertainment for a little while. Our countless girl nights that always brought tons of laughter. Late night drives through downtown blasting Disney music after a tough day was therapy. The late night Waffle house and Walmart runs. The late night phone calls analyzing life and humoring ourselves at the way we acted during the rough times.
Overall though, first semester was incredible. I struggled some, but I grew from that. For the first time in a really long time I was genuinely happy and content with where I was in life. I was even forming a "family" and a "home". At the end of first semester I realized that "family life" I had been praying for since my mom passed had actually happened, just not in the way I had thought it would.
Second semester probably came a bit easier. There wasn't as many adjustments. The only struggle I really had was guarding myself for what was to come in May when Marshal graduated and we all left for the summer. I was scared of the pain I would feel from that time so I pulled away a bit. But after much praying and thinking I realized I was going to make the best of this last semester and deal with the pain when it came later.
The BCM retreat really helped me start the semester off right. I struggled at first because I sorta felt alone. But after a text from my dad saying "remember there is a reason for you to be there, people you're suppose to meet" made me realize I was there for a reason and later realized how much that trip really helped me to get to know other people and be OK away from my comfort zone. Disciple Now was a very special event for me and turned out to be an INCREDIBLE weekend. I had grown up doing D' Nows at my church since I was like 5. And this was my Dad's last D'Now as the youth minister at the church I grew up at. And it meant so much to me to have some of my Auburn family come home with me to be apart of something that was so special to me. And it turned into a truly amazing weekend! Spring Break turned out to be a lot of fun! I got to spend part of the week visiting a really good childhood friend and with one of my closest Auburn friends. Then once Spring Break was over I knew I only had about one month left to enjoy as much as I could before everything changed again.
I am a planner so of course after Spring Break I started bracing myself for what was to come. I made a list of things to do before that time was up and enjoyed every minute of it. It's funny how you find joy in the small things. One of my favorite things to do was go to Walmart and look at the discount rack! I also discovered walks around campus (without the cock roaches) to be an amazing experience! Snow Biz trips became almost nightly. Decorating cars was almost a hobby. Talking til 5 am on the phone didn't make waking up the next day very fun. Akon concerts were pretty intense and amazing! I loved surprising (or embarrassing) friends with gifts for fun!! Facebook stalking was a big part of life (don't judge me, you know you do it too!!). BCM was home and something I looked forward to... especially Wednesday lunches. Learned how to drive a manual and also learned stalling out in the middle of college street is not a pleasant experience! I went to see like every good movie out. I became dependant on watching Grey's & the Office on Thursdays. I sorta learned how to play golf, but realized I loved it! I went to Chewalka... even though I couldn't talk myself into gettting in the water. I discovered all too late a PERFECT picnic spot on Samford lawn at sunset. I think I probably did more in the last month than I did all year!
As the end approached things became tougher, but I tried so hard to ignore the fact that it was the end. But all good things must come to an end. I stayed in Auburn a week after I was done with finals. I got to say goodbye too most but I knew I would still have them in Auburn next year. I was focused on Marshal's graduation because he was the close friend that isn't returning next year. Graduation day went well, I didn't think much into it that day because I was on the verge of tears enough as it was. I tried so hard to keep everything inside as I tried my best to enjoy the day even though I knew what was coming.
The day I left Auburn just happened to be Mother's day. Marshal wanted to make sure we made it to church for his last Sunday. I tried so hard to get ready in time but one bad things after another kept happening and we ended up being too late. I was upset I caused him to miss church but he assured me it was OK. To kill time before lunch we ended up going to Starbucks randomly. Later in the day I realized we did that in honor of my mom. I had decided last year on Mothers day I was going to celebrate my mom by either going to get my nails done or going to Starbucks. (two of my moms favorite things to do) Well without realizing it and not paying too much attention to the day, we randomly ended up at Starbucks. After lunch on the way home we saw two police cars blocking the road. When we looked to see what was going on we realized they had blocked the road so a turtle could cross! hahahaha! I was thinking...on that note, it's prob time to leave Alabama. lol We loaded up both cars, I cried, and then I headed home.
I did get to go back 2 days later to visit friends!! It felt like I had been gone for at least a month and I was in tears as I drove through town back to my apartment. It just felt so right and like I was still there. And having to realize I wasn't down there anymore and things weren't the same was difficult!
It took a while to sink in that I was gone and officially home for the summer. I wouldn't unpack for 2 days knowing if I did I'd have to stay! lol That first week was a tough week for me. I went from being in what I considered home with my Auburn family to moving to my actual home that is more of a bad memory now where there's not many friends or family left. My emotions were high and I wasn't being myself. I sat in what I call my "happy spot" which is the same spot on my bed everyday trying to stay connected with my "other life" through facebook. I didn't really feel like going anywhere or doing much. Change is just so hard for me. I hold on so tightly to what I have and get so comfortable. I know that I will grow from this eventually and that it's going to end up being a good thing for me. But for now I am trying hard to just get through.
This year I have met some of the most amazing people. I am so blessed to have such incredible friends in my life. Friends that I didn't even know existed! Friends that have turned into family! I seriously dunno what I would do or what I ever did do without them in my life. They've had more of an impact on my life in the last year than most do in a life time. I am just so grateful God blessed me with such loving, good-hearted, inspirational people. I want to thank each of you so much for your friendship! You have made my life such a joy and have encouraged me to be a better person. You loved and supported me through everything and were always there no matter what. You genuinely cared about me and love me for exactly who I was, no matter how awkward I could be at times! haha! You could make a boring day more fun that I ever thought possible. You kept me laughing and entertained constantly. You gave me encouragement to keep going when I felt like giving up. Never did I think it was possible to meet another group of people that was as loving and caring and supportive as my church family back home, but I have. The BCM has turned into home and the people there have turned into family. And I dunno what I'd do without them. I am just so thankful to be apart of something that is so amazing!
This last year was incredible. If it wasn't the best year of my life, it was DEF in the top 5! Honestly, I don't recall a better year. Never have I not wanted school to end or summer to speed up. I didn't even know friends like mine existed. I am just so thankful for all the God has put in my life. If I would've know what the future held at high school graduation I never would've feared what was to come. There's a lot I've learned from being off at school. I've just grown and matured, and I'm not that same girl anymore. I hardly even remember the girl I was in high school. And I think the people at home sometimes have a hard time seeing that. The past was difficult for me and it's hard for me to "come back" to it which I feel like I do when I'm home. But no matter how painful it might be for me to be here, I know this is the place I came from. The place that helped make me into the person I am today and helped get me to where I am now. And because of that I will always hold home and the people here dear to my heart no matter how hard it might be to come back.
It's been about 2 weeks now. I think I'm making improvements. I'm trying so hard to move on as fast as I can and not focus on the past, but the future. I've made a few good summer memories but it's hard when your closest friends are so far away. A good friend reminded me about a week ago that location doesn't make or break a friendship and there's still good memories to be made, just in a different place. She was def right! It's going to be a bit tough adjusting, but I know the future has some great things in store for me. I feared the unknown once before when I graduated high school and look where it got me! So I know there's only more great memories to come! I want to end with my favorite quote about change...
"You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you."
This has been a wonderful year and I am excited about what the future holds!!!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Well I'm home...
I know I haven't posted since this weekend, and I will. I need to sit down and write to a lot of people and I need to write my "end of the year" note I always write as a reflection of the year.
I am home now, this is day 2. I haven't really talked to many people and I'm not really taking phone calls. I'm not any fun to be around and I really just don't care bout much right now. I haven't even bothered to unpack. I ate, slept, and hooked up my TV yesterday and that was it! I just hate it here! Now I know why I spend a lot of my high school years depressed, it's kinda hard not to be here. And no one understands how much I just can't stand home. Everyone else loves their home, which I'm glad they do. But they can't seem to understand why I hate it here so much and why I'm always in a bad mood now. It's just all the crap I went through here and now everythings even more different in a bad way than it was in high school when it was bad enough. There's some people still here that I love but not really that many. Most haven't come back either. Even my brother can't really stand it here anymore. He's a junior in high school, which is rhe exact same point I was when I started needing to get out of here. I was so scared to leave because the fear of the unknown. I didn't know what lyed ahead for me and this was my "home" and I did feel comfortable here. But now that I have a new places to call "home" with some of the most amazing people I definalty don't like being home because I found something else thats amazing! And I know you're probably wondering why I even came home. Well there's 2 reasons. 1 is because this is hopefully be the last time I live in this house, the last house I lived with while my mom was still alive. But honestly at this point thats not even a vaild reason cuz I don't like this house, esp now. It's way to big and scarey at night. And with all the animal heads and guy crap laying around it feels nothing like it use to anyway. And the second reason was because it was either stay in Auburn alone or move home and be close with Jill, Beth, & Marshal(some of my closest Auburn friends)... so home is where I came!
So I know I need to make the best of it! And I will, eventually when I come to that point. But for now I wanna get my sad, miserable days over with. I'm still trying to get over the school year being over and adjust. I still get a sick feeling in my stomach every time I think that the year is over. I was dreading it for almost a year and now it's over. But see I also don't want to get attached to here again, cuz after last summer I was and it was hard for me to leave here for Auburn. Auburn is already going ot be tough to go back to because it's around the anniversary of my mom passing when I move back and that is tough for me. Then one of my closest friends, Marshal won't be there anymore. So I don't want to attach to this place by any means, but I do know I need to make the most of it. And maybe Ill learn how to be ok with being by myself. Which I know from the past I can be if I need to be, it just sucks.
Well I didn't mean for this to be a long depressing post. I just wanted to say I was home and I'd write more later. Hopefully I'll be productive today and unpack and shower. I haven't even really change clothes since Sunday. I know thats nasty, but when you don't really care about much it's hard to motivate your self to do anything. Also, I'm hoping to start babysitting soon. That will help too cuz it'll give me something fun to do instead of just sitting around here being sad all day. So once I unpack I'll ge on here and update more!
I am home now, this is day 2. I haven't really talked to many people and I'm not really taking phone calls. I'm not any fun to be around and I really just don't care bout much right now. I haven't even bothered to unpack. I ate, slept, and hooked up my TV yesterday and that was it! I just hate it here! Now I know why I spend a lot of my high school years depressed, it's kinda hard not to be here. And no one understands how much I just can't stand home. Everyone else loves their home, which I'm glad they do. But they can't seem to understand why I hate it here so much and why I'm always in a bad mood now. It's just all the crap I went through here and now everythings even more different in a bad way than it was in high school when it was bad enough. There's some people still here that I love but not really that many. Most haven't come back either. Even my brother can't really stand it here anymore. He's a junior in high school, which is rhe exact same point I was when I started needing to get out of here. I was so scared to leave because the fear of the unknown. I didn't know what lyed ahead for me and this was my "home" and I did feel comfortable here. But now that I have a new places to call "home" with some of the most amazing people I definalty don't like being home because I found something else thats amazing! And I know you're probably wondering why I even came home. Well there's 2 reasons. 1 is because this is hopefully be the last time I live in this house, the last house I lived with while my mom was still alive. But honestly at this point thats not even a vaild reason cuz I don't like this house, esp now. It's way to big and scarey at night. And with all the animal heads and guy crap laying around it feels nothing like it use to anyway. And the second reason was because it was either stay in Auburn alone or move home and be close with Jill, Beth, & Marshal(some of my closest Auburn friends)... so home is where I came!
So I know I need to make the best of it! And I will, eventually when I come to that point. But for now I wanna get my sad, miserable days over with. I'm still trying to get over the school year being over and adjust. I still get a sick feeling in my stomach every time I think that the year is over. I was dreading it for almost a year and now it's over. But see I also don't want to get attached to here again, cuz after last summer I was and it was hard for me to leave here for Auburn. Auburn is already going ot be tough to go back to because it's around the anniversary of my mom passing when I move back and that is tough for me. Then one of my closest friends, Marshal won't be there anymore. So I don't want to attach to this place by any means, but I do know I need to make the most of it. And maybe Ill learn how to be ok with being by myself. Which I know from the past I can be if I need to be, it just sucks.
Well I didn't mean for this to be a long depressing post. I just wanted to say I was home and I'd write more later. Hopefully I'll be productive today and unpack and shower. I haven't even really change clothes since Sunday. I know thats nasty, but when you don't really care about much it's hard to motivate your self to do anything. Also, I'm hoping to start babysitting soon. That will help too cuz it'll give me something fun to do instead of just sitting around here being sad all day. So once I unpack I'll ge on here and update more!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Tough Weekend Ahead...
Please say a little prayer for me this weekend! It's going to be a toughy! I have Marshal's graduation Saturday, then moving home and Mother's day on Sunday. Talk about a double whammy... or a triple whammy! I'm trying to stay strong, but it's getting harder to stay tough. I'm just waiting to break! I'm sure it'll come Sunday on my drive home if not before!
I'll keep you updated and post pictures when I get to it! It'll be a hard/busy weekend!
I'll keep you updated and post pictures when I get to it! It'll be a hard/busy weekend!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
I finally did it....
Well I finally did it. I finally cried. It wasn't a break down...yet. But I cried bout leaving. I was wondering when that was going to happen. Marshal & I were watching Office and they were advertising for the season finally next week and I realized that we werent going to get to watch it together. We have always watched Thurs TV shows together... even reruns when the whole strike was on. No matter how crazy our weeks were we always hung out on Thurs and I didn't even think about the fact that we wouldn't have that anymore. It's not like a huge thing, but we always had that. I did think it was kinda funny that was what made me cry of all things. I think I've been trying soooo hard to ignore whats going on, hoping it will go away. That's how I deal with things and that is how I handle it. I know its not good, but I don't like to hurt or be vulnerable and that is my way of trying to remain strong and "in control."
Thats one thing that makes me uncomfortable with these blogs. I love to express how I feel but sometimes my thoughts get me in trouble. Plus, I tend to be more vulnerable with my writings and I don't like people to see that side to me. It make me feel weak.
Well back to the crying thing. I have been spending this whole week "preparing for the end." Im going through all the motions but Im trying to keep my emotions out of the way. I know a break down is coming and it's only a matter of when. Which makes me nervous cuz it could come at anytime. I just can't believe this year is about to be over. Nor do I want to realize it. It has seriously been one of the best in my life and definatly the best in the last few years. I finally feel like I got my life "under control" and have settled a bit. So much has changed in the last year and so much more will I know. And that part of it is uneasy. If theres one thing about college it's that nothing ever stays the same, esp from year to year. I had to learn that the hard way this year. But it has been an amazing year overall and I've made some of the most amazing friendship I've ever had and didn't know were possible! I just hate to see it all end. But for now I'm still going through the motions and trying so hard to stay nonemotional about it. But I really am sad and hurting inside. And I have no doubt that will come out in the next few days. I only have 2 full days left in Auburn and one half day. So we'll see how it all plays out.
Thats one thing that makes me uncomfortable with these blogs. I love to express how I feel but sometimes my thoughts get me in trouble. Plus, I tend to be more vulnerable with my writings and I don't like people to see that side to me. It make me feel weak.
Well back to the crying thing. I have been spending this whole week "preparing for the end." Im going through all the motions but Im trying to keep my emotions out of the way. I know a break down is coming and it's only a matter of when. Which makes me nervous cuz it could come at anytime. I just can't believe this year is about to be over. Nor do I want to realize it. It has seriously been one of the best in my life and definatly the best in the last few years. I finally feel like I got my life "under control" and have settled a bit. So much has changed in the last year and so much more will I know. And that part of it is uneasy. If theres one thing about college it's that nothing ever stays the same, esp from year to year. I had to learn that the hard way this year. But it has been an amazing year overall and I've made some of the most amazing friendship I've ever had and didn't know were possible! I just hate to see it all end. But for now I'm still going through the motions and trying so hard to stay nonemotional about it. But I really am sad and hurting inside. And I have no doubt that will come out in the next few days. I only have 2 full days left in Auburn and one half day. So we'll see how it all plays out.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Blogging-Take two!
So I thought I'd try out this blogging thing again! I did it once before in high school. It helped me get my feelings out but it also got me in a lot of trouble. I never hestitate to share exactly what I'm feeling, which isn't always a good thing! haha!
I have a lot coming in the near future (starting Saturday) thats going to be tough. Things I know will eventually get easier, they always do. But for a while things will be a little rough. I just prayer for strength, I know things will eventually be ok. It just takes time.
I have a lot on my heart right now I will eventually share, but for now I need to head to bed!
I have a lot coming in the near future (starting Saturday) thats going to be tough. Things I know will eventually get easier, they always do. But for a while things will be a little rough. I just prayer for strength, I know things will eventually be ok. It just takes time.
I have a lot on my heart right now I will eventually share, but for now I need to head to bed!
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